Friday, May 11, 2012

Baby Socks


Baby socks.

So tiny and cute.  So innocent.

Why am I writing about them?  Because they triggered a thought that I hadn't had in a long time.

It's been a year, but every once in a while I still get this pit in my stomach and then a thought:
"Whoa, this is permanent.  This baby isn't going anywhere and you need to take care of her for the rest of her life."
And my heart does a flip and it pounds for a few seconds.

Then I calm down and all is fine.  This happened frequently in the first two months of her life and I wish I had talked about it more.  I had times where I second-guessed my decision to have a baby!

And all I could feel was guilt and shame.  I had the most beautiful, healthy, and VERY easy to care for little girl.  There were women who couldn't have babies...who was I to be so selfish and wish for an easier time or wish for less responsibility?

But that was real.  And it does happen.  It's not all sunshine and roses and I think it needs to be talked about so that the next time it's someone's turn to become a mama, they know that what they are feeling is totally normal.  Baby blues, post-partum, they are both real.  But it's so hard for the woman going through these emotions and feelings to see what they are going through.

I know I didn't realize my feelings until after the fact.  And I was way too ashamed to talk about it in the moment.

So there it is.  I have had moments of regret and wishing for my old life back.  And every once in a while that feeling will still surface.  Like when I switched the laundry over from the washer to the dryer and one little sock fell on the floor.  And when I looked at it, all I could think was "whoa, this is real."

Don't worry, there are good times too.  Like when I pick her up this afternoon from daycare and she crawls towards me as fast as she can, shrieking with joy the whole time.  And then I pick her up, and she burrows her face in my neck and I inhale her special scent...and I can feel every muscle in my body relax and a smile comes on my face without me even knowing it.

Regardless of my "baby socks" feelings, I obviously have no regrets.  Children are angels sent to us to remind adults to experience the joy of life.  The joy of just being.

Happy Friday everyone...and next time someone (meaning my mom and sister) want to buy Zoe some clothes, can we get socks OTHER than pink or white?   ;)


Ronja said...

haha point taken!

JoAnne said...

I Love You!

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